How Do I Talk to My Parents About Selling Their Home?

Ask before you advise. Start with what your parents want the next few years to look like, listen longer than you talk, and leave the decision with them. One conversation rarely settles it, so plan on several, and bring information instead of a deadline.

I am Delia Bayna, a REALTOR with eXp Realty in Salt Lake City, Utah, and a Seniors Real Estate Specialist (SRES). Adult children ask me about this, and here is what I tell them.

"Have you thought about selling?" puts your parents on defense. "What do you want the next five years to look like?" opens a door.

Ask about travel, hobbies, health, being near grandkids, and the things they want to keep doing. Let the house come up on its own. It usually does, because the house is part of so many of the answers.

Pick the setting with care. Their kitchen table on a quiet afternoon works better than a holiday dinner with everyone listening. If you live out of state, bring it up early in a visit, not in the last hour before your flight, so there is time to talk again before you leave.

If you have a specific worry, say it once, plainly, as your own worry. "I worry about you on those basement stairs" lands better than "You can't handle this house anymore."

Then stop. Repeating a worry every visit turns it into pressure, and pressure makes people dig in. Your parents heard you the first time.

A few things almost always backfire:

• Setting a deadline for them
• Starting to sort or give away their things
• Having an agent show up without their say-so
• Talking about the house as your inheritance

Each of those turns a conversation about their future into a conversation about yours. The fears I hear most from longtime homeowners are selling and having nowhere to go, getting taken advantage of, being rushed, the tax bill, and becoming a burden to their kids. A pushy conversation feeds every one of them.

Information makes a big decision smaller. Offer to help your parents find out two things: what the house might sell for and what they would walk away with, and what their next home could look like.

A home value estimate does not commit anyone to anything. Neither does touring a few one-level homes or condos together. I wrote about what equity means when you can't spend it, and it is a good one to read with them.

My free downsizing guide is another easy place to start. It walks through what to decide now and what can wait, so nobody has to solve the whole thing in one afternoon.

Expect your parents to need time after each step. Most people think a big idea over for days or weeks before they say anything about it. A quiet week is not a no.

Sometimes there is no time for a slow conversation. A fall, a diagnosis, or a move to care can force a decision in weeks. If that is where your family is, focus on what has to happen now and leave the rest for later.

If a parent can no longer make decisions on their own, selling their home becomes a legal question about who has the authority to sign. Talk to an elder law attorney before anyone lists or signs anything.

When a son or daughter calls me, I ask to talk with the parent directly, with you there if they want you there. It is their home, so it is their decision, and I make sure they hear everything first.

Helping families with a parent's home is what I trained for as a Seniors Real Estate Specialist. I spent eighteen years teaching before real estate, and I still explain things until they make sense, at whatever pace your parents need.

Once we are working together, I call and email every Friday until the house is sold. If your parent wants you included, you can hear those updates too. You can see how I handle the sale on selling a home in Salt Lake City, and the move to something smaller on my downsizing page.

How do I bring up selling the house with my parents?

Start with their plans, not the house. Ask what they want the next few years to look like, and let the house come up on its own.

What should I avoid saying to my parents about moving?

Avoid deadlines, talking about the house as an inheritance, and repeating the same worry every visit. Say your concern once, kindly, and then listen.

What if my parent can no longer make decisions?

Then selling the home is a legal question about who can sign. Talk to an elder law attorney before anyone lists the house.

Should I be there when my parent meets with a REALTOR?

If your parent wants you there, yes. A second set of ears helps. Let your parent ask their own questions first, and save yours for the end.

This article is general information and is not legal advice. For questions about who can sign for a parent, talk to an elder law attorney.