What If My Spouse Isn't Ready to Sell?

If your spouse is not ready, then the two of you are not ready yet, and that is common. Start by finding out what each of you is worried about, because it is often two different things. Then put the same facts in front of both of you, so you are deciding about the same house.

I am Delia Bayna, a REALTOR with eXp Realty in Salt Lake City, Utah. Couples ask me this, and here is how I help them think it through.

One of you sees the stairs. The other sees the doorframe where you marked the kids' heights. You are both looking at the same house and seeing something true.

Often one spouse has been thinking about selling for a year or more before saying it out loud. By the time the other one hears it, the first has already worked through a lot of feelings. It can sound like a decision was made without them.

The spouse who needs more time is catching up. Catching up takes a while, and pushing makes it take longer.

"I'm not ready" usually stands in for something more specific. These are the worries I hear most from longtime homeowners:

• Selling and having nowhere to go
• Getting taken advantage of
• Being rushed
• The tax bill
• Becoming a burden to the kids

Ask each other which one is yours. You may find you are worried about the same thing from opposite sides. One of you wants to move before the house becomes too much. The other worries that moving is what will make you a burden.

Once a worry has a name, you can answer it. "I'm not ready" has no answer. "I'm afraid we'll sell and have nowhere to go" has several.

Couples often argue about different numbers. One remembers what the neighbor's house sold for. The other read a headline about the market. Neither number is about your house.

Get a real estimate of what your home might sell for, and what you would walk away with after the payoff and selling costs. A Salt Lake City home value estimate is a good first step. I explain how that works in what will I actually walk away with. Look at it together, at the kitchen table, with time to ask questions.

If the worry is having nowhere to land, look at the ways people buy and sell without a gap in between. There is more than one, and I walk through them in how to buy and sell at the same time.

When I meet with a couple, I make sure both people get to ask what they came to ask. The quieter spouse often has the question that matters most, and it may not come out until the second or third conversation.

Eighteen years as a teacher taught me that people learn at different speeds, and nobody learns faster by being pushed. I will answer the same question twice, or five times. I do not take sides. The decision belongs to both of you.

One practical note. If both of your names are on the title, you will both need to sign to sell. Deciding together is kind, and it is also how the paperwork works.

Give it time, and give it a shape. Agree on one small step together: getting your number, looking at two or three places you might move, or cleaning out one room. Then talk again in a month.

If the answer after a few months is still "not yet," that is fine. Staying is a real choice. In Salt Lake City, staying well often means a plan for the snow, the yard, and the stairs, so the house keeps working for both of you through the winters ahead.

If the answer becomes yes, my downsizing page covers how I sequence the sale and the next home, and selling a home in Salt Lake City walks through the rest. Until you decide, there is no deadline from me.

What do I do if my spouse doesn't want to sell the house?

Find out what they are worried about, because "not ready" usually stands for something specific, like having nowhere to go or the tax bill. Then look at the same facts together and take one small step at a time.

Can I sell the house if my spouse won't agree?

If both names are on the title, both owners generally need to sign. Ownership and marital property questions are legal ones, so talk to a Utah real estate attorney about your situation.

How long should we wait before deciding?

There is no set time. Some couples take a few months. A small shared step, like getting a home value estimate, helps the conversation move.

What if one of us wants to buy the next place before selling?

Couples split on this often. Buying first usually takes cash, or a loan that covers both homes for a while. Selling first keeps the money simpler. Look at the numbers together before either of you falls for a house.

This article is general information and is not legal or tax advice. For questions about ownership, title, or taxes, talk to a Utah real estate attorney or a CPA.